I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
