I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
