She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
