omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You made out with two different species that night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
