omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
