just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
