Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
