highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
