I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
