You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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