I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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