apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
