I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
