you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
