we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
