If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
