you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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