I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
