So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
