Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
