Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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