i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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