someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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