in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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