Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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