The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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