today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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