Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
...so i touched it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
