I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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