saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
