cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
did i walk over a car last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
