but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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