areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
