blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
