I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
