Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
