Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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