woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i dont even know how to be here
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
