dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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