i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
