i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
