I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
