Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
