he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
that may or may not have been my penis.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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