dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
