on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
