i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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