Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
