My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
