My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
