I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
